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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.